hope u read this, mr. kennedy-wannabe

dear pal,

well before i start this, i just want u to know that im not writing this letter for some kind of desperate reason, just dont get me wrong again, ok. i just want to make everything clear.

first of all, i know we’ve talked about this about 100 times, but i think u just dont get it. i dont have any crush on you, ok? and whatever “those people” told you about me is all wrong. i mean, for all this time, i just consider you as the best friend of mine. i know how i act to u seems a bit like “oh-im-so-in-love-with-you” but its not. u’re my close friend, and i think its normal to act like how i use to be. “those people” was just made a big mistake, and i wont blame u. friends wont blame others.

then what i really want to say is: im really confused on how u act to me lately. i mean, first u said that everything is clear, then i tried to forget about it, pretend that nothing ever happen..but then u’re acting like we still have some probs that hasn’t fixed yet. then ME, trying to figure it out (well, i did that just cz u’re my friend. and i dont wanna lose my friend.) but u’re acting like..i dont know. i feel like i never knew u before.well, now i try to ignore it. i dont care at all.

“then if you dont care, why would u write this letter? doesnt it make u look so desperate?”

well actually..i just want to know, whats going on with u? i mean, if I’ve done some mistakes to u, then I’d say im sorry. but if its just “well-i-dont-want-to-talk-about-it” things, then you’re not who i thought you were. sorry to say, but im finally had enough. im tired being nice, im tired being patient. and for sure (once again, i am REALLY REALLY sorry to say this) u told me that im ur friend, and u want to bring back those good old days. but then i guess its just empty words. u dont meant it rite? cz if u meant it, this letter will never exist.

so, after all. thanks for all the good and bad memories. thanks for being a really nice friend. thanks for all the laughter, thanks for teaching me some new things i’ve never known before (i never knew that ‘dalai lama’ is an international name, u told me that, remember?). we actually made a good team together. it was a good time, really. inside, (like i’ve told u 1000 times before) u’re still the best friend i’ve ever had.

but still. if u want those good old time back, i’ll be there. somehow i hope that, i dont know, maybe a year or ten years later, we’ll laugh about this together.

regards,

me.

SMS2 geloo…

ok..first i want to apologize cz i didnt post something useful lately. im so stressed out with my own probs, but they’re all set up now!

so now i want to talk about..SMS.

i mean, not just an ordinary one, but a freaky messages.

pasti prnah kan dpt sms berantai yg bunyinya kaya gini:

“selamat hari persahabatan! kirimkan ke 10 sahabat kamu,(termasuk aku ya!) dan kamu akan dapat pernyatan cinta hari ini!”

WOW.

besoknya dapet lg itu sms. jadi hari persahabatan itu hampir tiap hari. AMAZING. totally childish.

atau yg gini:

“peringatan 100 hari meninggalnya pak Harto. kirimkan ke 7 orang dan akan mendapatkan pulsa 75000. aku beneran udh dapet!”

edeeuhh gelooo pisan… hebat bener kirim sms doank bs dapet duit!

atau (ini biasanya dapet klo mau dkt2 pengumuman SNMPTN atau UAN):

“kirimkan sms ini ke 24 orang, maka kamu pasti akan lulus. kalau berhenti di kamu, akn terjadi yg sebaliknya”

nyebelin bgt nggak sih! udh tau orang nunggu pengumumannya dagdigdug, malah dpt yg ginian..

or like this one (yg paling gw ngga demen!):

“namaku tasya. tadi malam aku dibunuh dan badanku dimutilasi jadi 13 bagian. kirimkan sms ini ke 13 tmn kamu. kalau putus di kamu, maka nanti malam aku akan datang ke kamar kamu jam 2 mlm dgn muka rata!”

anjritt.

walau gw tau itu sangat ngga make sense, tp ttp aja sereeeumm..akhirnya gw kirim jg ke tmn2 gw. eh taunya yg gw kirimin lg ngga ada pulsa, jd deh dia marah2 sm gw..

jadi sms kaya gini ngga penting bgt. ngabis2in pulsa aja. trus yg gw pnasaran. yg bikin awalnya siapa c? pasti tuh org ngga ada kerjaan bgt dah..

dan kita, meskipun tau itu ngga penting, masih aja ttp forward kemn2..(yeahh,,me too!)

see ya ’round folks.

hectic!

i started this week with a bright smile, but in the end of the day i felt so terrible.

DAMN!!

i supposed to be happy now, i told my friends im feeling great today.

but then i know im not.

hectic life!!

btw, im dying to play some fireworks! i hope tomorrow i could make it.

see ya ’round.

*sungguh postingan yg ngga penting**

swiiit swiit syalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa

im supposed to be sad. you know, crying all day, after he left yesterday by noon. but i dunno, maybe im a bit crazy now…

wish u luck there, im gonna miss ya!!

why??

CURHAT MODE: ON

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yesterday, i met him. dia dateng buat say goodbye sm anak2.

actually, i love to see him. but im also sad. cz its the last day i saw him. then i’ll never had any chance to meet him again.

luckily, kita pulang bareng kmrn. tp gw jg ngga enak, cz ada tmn gw, who also had a crush on him too. she’s the reason why i keep lying and never tell him how i feel.

then as we walk to the train station, i remembered all the things that we’ve done. it’s not that great, but its really unforgettable.

i remembered the first day i met him: 12 september.

he’s a nice-good looking guy. but i have to hide my feeling so deep in my heart cz my best friends love him too.

and i think she deserves him more than me.

and yesterday, when i met him (finally, i havent saw him for about 3 month). he’s still the same old person that i loved.

he still love to tease me, laugh at me. the difference is: he’s about to gone away. out of this country.

and he never knew about my feeling.

i already miss you and you havent even left yet!

see ya ’round, folks.

Rain.

Im only happy when it rains

(Only happy when it rains, garbage)

its early september, tp udh musim ujan aja..

actually, i looove rainy day. bau tanah basah, rumput, feel so romantic lah, hahaha…

kalo ujan gini jadi betah bgt ngadem di rumah. apalg pas bulan puasa, udah deh..

tidur mulu jadinya.

ini yg gw seneng tinggal di bogor, ngga musim ujan aja sering ujan, apalg pas musimnya..

klo ujan gini paling enak du2k di depan jendela, smbil minum teh/ coklat panas..edeeeuhh..mantep!

ada satu impian gw yg smp sekarang blm terkabul..: payungan d tengah ujan sm pacar! hahahahaha..so cheesy, i know..

buat gw ujan = galau

tapi saat2 ujan adalah yg paling gw tunggu.

so here’s some songs yang cocok bgt di dgrin waktu ujan:

+ Hujan – Utopia

+ Sleeping in- postal srvice

+ creep- radiohead ( yg akustik)

+ early sunset over monroeville – my chemical romance

+ the world is ugly- My chemical romance

+ lagu2nya death cab for cutie

+ Jason Mraz- im yours

+ get me away im dying- belle & sebastian

+ so nice so smart- kimya dawson

ada lagi yg lain?

well

see ya ’round, people.

i love walking in the rain because nobody can see me cry..

i plan on sleeping in..

Last week I had the strangest dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where there was never any mystery of who shot John F. Kennedy
It was just a man with something to prove
Slightly bored and severely confused
He steadied his rifle with his target in the center
And became famous on that day in November

Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping
Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping
Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping in

Again last night I had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where concerns about the world getting warmer
The people thought they were just being rewarded
For treating others as they’d like to be treated
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases
For mailing letters with the address of the sender
Now we can swim any day in November

Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping
(now we can swim any day in November)
Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping in
Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping
Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping in

(sleeping in, the postal service)

bingung. bingung euy…

sumpahhh gw g tw mau nulis apa…

mau nulis soal politik lg, bingung..

mau nulis soal yg lain jg bingung..

mau g nulis, trs mau npain? gw udh ubek2 FB sm FS ampe bosen ujung2nya lari kesini juga.

ok, so im gonna tell you guys ’bout my friends..

(G PENTING, SUMPAHHH..)

di kampus, gw punya tmn yg deket bgt, ada 5 lah..most of them pake jilbab. g tw knp, dari dulu, gw pasti punya tmn dkt pasti pake jilbab.

jangan salah, biar pake jilbab juga,mereka bukan tipe2 org yg religius bgt, yg setiap omongannya lembut, trs ngutip ayat2 al’quran sm hadis..

mereka sm aja kaya gw, cm ya lbih religius mereka lh dari gw. tp mereka jg doyan hura2 kaya gw, sering bandel2 jg kaya gw, cm mereka lbh better..

yang gw seneng, mereka tuh biarpun pake jilbab tp ngga suka ‘menggurui’ gitu..misalnya nih ya..

kadang2 gw suka bandel, males shalat gitu..mereka ngga ceramahin gw kaya”lo kq ngga shalat? lo kan hidup di dunia ngga selamanya, bla bla bla..”

paling mereka bilang gini:”ngga shalat lo? parah….mau jadi apa lo?? hahahahahaha..” sambil becanda gitu..

gw pun jadinya ngerasa malu sendiri trus jadi nyadar sendiri dah..tanpa harus sok ceramah, mereka berhasil nyadarin gw..kadang2.

sm mereka, gw bisa ngobrol apa aja. dari mulai gosip2 seleb, ngomongin kampus, ngomongin masa depan, ngomongin agama, smp masalah politik juga..

gw jarang nemu tmn yang kaya gini. waktu duluu gw pernah tmenan sm sekelompok cewe, tp yang diomongin cowo mulu…jd puyenk sendiri gw.

trus..mereka jg suka seneng2, kadang2 cabut kuliah juga bareng gw, tp mereka ngga pernah lebih dari itu. maksudnya, ya kebandelan mereka ya sebatas itu aja. mereka ngga doyan clubbing, ngga ngerokok, ngga pacaran mulu..

thats why i like them. secara ngga langsung mereka ngebentuk personality gw juga.

gw orangnya gampang banget kepengaruh. misalnya aja, gw sobatan sm orang2 yang doyan clubbing, etc..gw pasti dengan mudahnya kebawa juga. untung aja, tmn2 gw bukan tipe2 yang kaya gitu.

and then..mereka tuh ngertiin gw.

gw orangnya moody banget. yang sering kejadian tuh gini: gw lagi ngobrol sm tmn, trus tiba2 gw diem, nyuekin itu org. nah ini artinya penyakit moody gw kambuh. banyak org salah sangka sm sikap gw yang kaya gini, padahal sebenrnya tuh i didnt meant it. emang mood gw susah bgt dikendaliin. tp tmn2 gw, mereka ngerti bgt klo misalnya gw lagi gini.

pernah pas kita lagi makan2, lagi becanda2 tuhh..eh tb2 gw diem. mereka pada nanyain:”lo knp?” tp gw diem aja, bilang”ngga apa2.” gw tp diem smp selesai makan pun gw diem. tp mereka ngerti, ngga nanya2 lagi, dan emang itu yang gw harepin..

mereka juga sabarr… bgt.

pernah gw lagi kesel sm orang, trus gw cerita di telpon sm temen gw. karna gw lg kesel, (gw ngga bisa nahan emosi) tmn gw itu jadi gw marah2in juga, gw bentak juga. tp dia sabaaar..bgt. dia cuma bilang”iya, iya..gw ngerti..”. trus pas malemnya gw telp dia lagi, minta maap krn udh bentak, dia malah ketawa smbil bilang”elaahh..gw mah udh ngerti sm sifat lo!”

ngga semua orang bisa ngertiin gw, even itu ortu gw. tmn2 gw waktu sma dulu jg ngga ada yg sepengertian ini. thats why i looove them so much.

klo cerita atau curhat sm mereka, agak2 ngebingungin.

misalnya gw cerita sm c R, dia pasti bakal bilang “ya mnurut gw nih ya,klo gw jd lo, ya gw iyain aja! eh tunggu dulu deh, tapi ntar resikonya gede..mending ngga aja!”

bingung.

trus gw telp c N, dia bakal bilang” ah udah, ngga usah aja! npain sih lo pake kaya gitu segala!”

miss negative ini orang. hheu..

trus akhirnya gw telp c M: “oh gitu..y udh, klo kata gw ngga apa2 kali. jalanin aja..lo emang mau kan? y udah kq pusing..”

nah sm dia gw baru dpt pencerahan..

tp ngga tau knp, meskipun gw tau solusi masalah biasanya ada di c M, gw ttp aja nnya ke c R atau N dulu..

kaya udh jadi ritual aja gitu..

kalo di kampus, gw ngumpul2 sm mereka biasanya d mesjid.

weiss..pasti kliatannya alim bgt..

padahal di mesjid mah kita du2k di belakangnya, bawa makanan, ngegosip, ketawa2..

pernah kita ketawa terlalu keras gitu , trus ada satpam kampus nyamperin. tp pas itu tmn2 gw lgsg pada diem, dan mungkin krn mereka pake jilbab x ya..yang dimarahin satpam malah cewe2 yg du2k di sebelah kita! padahl mereka ngga npa2in..lgsg pada ngelyat kita dgn tatapan membunuh, hahahaha..

i hope our friendship last forever.

kita sering banget ngebayangin, gimana klo kita ntar udh married, apa masih temenan..

berhubung kita suka sm cowo yg sama, jadi sering rebutan klo ngebayangin ntar yang jadi suami kita siapa..

they’re really made my days. kadang2 pas jam kuliah gw ngga sama sm mereka, jd sering ngerasa sepi aja..

i heart u guys!!

btw, gw nulis kaya gini, mereka ngga akan pernah tau. soalnya mereka ngga pernah buka blog gw..hahay.

see ya ’round, guys.

fear and regret.

Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop.

(Usman B. Asif)

what is a ‘fear’ actually?

ada yg pernah bilang sm gw, ” sebenernya ngga ada yg namanya takut. itu cuma ada di kepala lo aja.”

atau ada juga yg bilang gini: “yang namanya rasa takut itu ngga ada. ketakutan itu sebnernya takut karena rasa takut itu sendiri.”

nah loh bingung!!

kalo gw, percaya sm yg namanya ‘fear’.

menurut gw, ‘takut’ itu exist. ada.

yaa…mungkin ini karena gw adalah orang yg penakut y..bnyak bgt hal2 yg gw takuti di dunia ini.

klo dulu ortu gw suka nasehatin gini klo pnyakit takut gw kambuh:” g boleh ada yg ditakutin, yg boleh ditakutin tuh cuma Allah swt.”

ttp aja gw takut..

takut sm setan, sm orang jahat, sm yg gelap2..

tapi semakin gw gede, semakin gw bisa ngatasin rasa ‘takut’ itu.

dikiit.

yg namanya takut itu ada macem2, tiap orang pasti punya ketakutan yg beda2.

cara mengatasi ketakutan juga beda2 setiap individunya.

klo gw, cara mengatasi ketakutannya sih dgn g lyat apa yg bikin gw takut, atau ngehindarinnya.

misalnya takut setan, y ngga usah lyat film setan.

ada juga temen gw yg ngatasin ketakutan dgn cara ngadepin ketakutan itu.

misalnya, dia tuh takut sm dosen tertentu.

tp dia malah berusaha sesering mungkin ketemu tuh dosen. lama2 dia jadi biasa dan ngga takut lagi.

yaa

stiap orang beda cara penyelesaiannya.

ok, ganti topik.

regret.

gw sering bgt ngerasain perasaan ‘nyesel’

dan tiap nyesel, kata2 yg keluar pasti:

kenapa sih penyesalan selalu datang belakangan?

ya kan? pasti lo2 pada juga gitu.

tp akhir2 ini, abis ngomong gitu gw pasti nyambung sendiri:

ya iyalaahh..klo datengnya awal, namanya bukan nyesel, tapi SADAR…

tp smp sekarang, gw ngga bisa nemuin solusi dari ‘regret’ itu sndiri.

klo gw lagi dlm masa2 ‘penyesalan’, pasti gw jadi terpuruk, diem mulu, sedih. jadi ngga bisa nyari solusi dan berusaha ngilangin ‘regret’ itu sendiri.

ada yg tau?

nah..ada lg yang namanya

fear of regret

kita takut untuk melakukan sesuatu karena takut nyesel di kemudian hari.

nahh..ini g bener.

karena ‘fear of regret’ ini bikin kita jadi stay terus di safe zone kita, dan ngga berani keluar nyoba hal baru karena takut nyesel nantinya.

gw sendiri baru2 ini ngalamin hal ini, dan bikin gw jadi tambah nyesel.

ya yg penting sih, kita ngga perlu takut buat nyoba something new, dan yah klo udh berani pasti g nyesel lah..

see ya ’round, folks..

(postingan gw nyambung satu sama lain g sih? hheu..)

i feel like the world turn their back on me.

:: RUBBISH ALERT ::

if you looking for some kind of smart-intelligent or funny-interesting post, dont read this one. cz its just a bunch of rubbish.

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I’m feeling a bit mad today. i dunno why, maybe its because im not in a good condition (i’ve got terrible cough and headache since yesterday) and it make me feel a lil bit stressed out. im feeling so mad at myself, i feel like the world turn their back on me. i mean, i feel like everyone is judging me for something and i dont know why..

i feel so ashamed of myself and i dont even know why i feel like that.

my feelings today is so different with last night. last night im so happy because someone from my past contact me and we had a great chat.

but when i went to bed, suddenly i feel so terrible. i cant sleep. i tried, but then i just cant.

and while i tried to sleep,  i dont know why but suddenly i remembered all the things that i’ve  done. all the good and bad memories. all my happiness, sadness. laugh and tears. its like a slide show photos coming to my head.

then i tried to let it go, but i just cant.

i also had some terrible nightmares lately. i told my friends about my dreams but they said its only dream. nothing to worry about.

but i dont think so.

i feel like something bad is gonna happen to me. i don’t know what it is, but i just know it will happen.

u might think im crazy, but i can say im not. im just having a terrible day.

now i feel like i wanna cry.

i feel like i dont belong here in this world.

i feel like everyone will always get me wrong.

i always tried to please everyone, but why they didn’t do the same thing to me?

why everyone judge me for what i never done?

didnt they know that im the victim of this situation?

but yet they make me feel like im the one who did it. im the suspect.

we cant change the past. but we can create our own future.

but im not sure i could.

you may say im a negative person, but i dont even know why i feel like this..

it never happen before..

whats wrong with me?

hufffhh…….